I did a lot in 2019.
I went from crisis mode to relaxed mode. I realized I needed to let go of control. I rediscovered the joy of napping. I went to the park almost daily. I took on new freelance projects. I had a lot of meetings about potential projects that went nowhere. I found other ways to pay rent. I put aside my ego. I let go of old ideas about who I thought I needed to be. I spent time in Shanghai with my partner who moved there to teach yoga. I did my own yoga everyday and shared yoga with others. I spent two months at home with my family and made a personal commitment to do it every year. I spent time in Bali learning the power of ritual and ceremony and injected that into my yoga practice. I kept doing my podcast. I celebrated new years in Shanghai for the second year in a row And my beautiful friend Miko passed away.
Taking a look back at the 10 things I said I’d do in 2019, it appears I didn’t get much accomplished.
1 - I did not make art. I didn’t feel especially creative in 2019 to be honest. I miss that feeling of creativity I’ve had in the past, but new ideas and passion have evaded me. So no art. Ah well. I’m learning to be ok with however I feel, if it is a lack of a feeling I think I want.
2 - I didn’t grow my podcast, but I did manage to keep it going in spite of the real challenge to get people on it. I’ve had to learn to let go here as well, and just enjoy the process and the project without getting caught up in needing it to be a certain way or have it be popular or perfect.
3 - I did not write a book. I started one, but like the 30+ blog drafts that litter my desktop, it went nowhere. I keep thinking about it.
4 - I did do the yoga festival, and felt good about the new direction and philosophy driving it.
5 - I did not improve my Chinese, however I did take some online lessons that were very useful.
6 - I did live with my family for two months in the summer and was able to work on letting go of my opinions and prejudice. I realized how nice it is to spend time with my family again.
7 - A little more.
8 - Didn’t even make it one day.
9 - I did read a bit, but not as much as I had planned. Netflix is the real competitor here.
10 - This didn’t happen and it’s fine. Miko was never a park cat and I just needed to let her be her.
Ok. So what shall I do in 2020?
First I think I’ll make this list much more achievable. Something I stole from Tim Ferris last year was asking myself “what does this look like if it’s easy.” So let’s make it easy. Instead of a list of things I WILL do, this is a list of things I will TRY to do. Why set myself up for failure when winning is simply a matter of choosing different words.
1 - I will continue to do what I can, non obsessively.
Last year after leaving my job I would wake up early in the morning, make coffee, and precede to frantically make a long To-Do list and hammer away at it until I realized my list was total bullshit. I didn’t have that much to do. And most of the things I was putting on the lists couldn’t be done in a day anyways. ( like come up with a business idea that would make me a millionaire without needing to invest any money of my own.)
I was simply making myself feel like I HAD things to do. I thought I needed to be busy so I could feel like I was doing something with my life, or getting somewhere. AS IF I wasn’t already someone, or somewhere.
I realized there were things I could do and those I couldn’t. The things I could do, could be done done easily and calmly. There was no need for any sense of urgency or obsession, or a long list of to-dos if there was nothing TO actually DO. I didn’t need to be making things up just to feel better about myself. The more I simply do what I can, non obsessively, the more I actually get done, and the better I feel.
2 - I will try to eat like a vegan
Last year when people asked me if I was a vegetarian I would say no, I’m not A vegetarian, but I TRY to eat like one. I’ve renewed my commitment to eating less animal product which will also include eggs and cheese. So this year, I won’t BE a vegan, but I’ll TRY to eat like one.
3 - I will try to meet new people
I’d like to meet and connect with new people, so I can hear new stories, share my old stories, and continue to evolve and move closer toward a community of people that share my personal values. I want to find ways to do this that break outside of the old ways I normally meet people.
4 - I will try to be a kinder person
I’ve always considered myself to be a kind person, but I’m not sure that kindness has always been made clear. So in 2020 I want to focus on this. Being kind. Being loving awareness. Loving everyone and telling the truth.
5 - I will try to choose the miracle in every decision I make
Every decision I make is a choice, between a grievance and a miracle. I relinquish all resentments, grievances, and regrets, and choose the miracle.
6 - I will try not to force myself to finish things I no longer enjoy.
When I was a freshmen in college, one of the professors I looked up to, told me to “always finish what you start.” I’ve taken that to heart throughout most of life, but it has also caused me to feel a heavy mix of anxiety and guilt when I’ve been unable or un-wanting to finish projects or tasks I started. I’ve often found myself plugging away at things I no longer liked, felt good about, or enjoyed in any way and yet felt the need to complete. That if I didn’t see things through, I’d be a failure.
I’m not completely over this way of thinking, but it is on the way. There is nothing more satisfying than just quitting something you no longer enjoy or care about, or are struggling to make work. It is the best way to regain a sense of personal power. There are so many people that believe in the idea that trudging through something till the end is heroic. I’ve done this enough times to know that’s not true at all. Nobody cares if you quit, and you will feel much better.
For example, I can’t even think of anything more I want to do in 2020, and yet I’m sitting here racking my brains because the title of the post is TEN. But I’m the one who wrote the title, so I’m the one who can change it. It’s my blog, and my website. I can do or NOT do whatever I want. And when I do what I really want, it feels good. And feeling good in 2020 is all I want for myself and everyone else.